SGO Wellness: Stuck in the Middle—A Report from the Sandwich Generation | Brittany Davidson, MD
Brittany Davidson, MD, and children
Today I feel like a panini – pressed from both sides. The melty insides exploding over the toasted edges. While on any given clinic day I’d be thrilled to have time to each lunch, especially a warm sandwich, I’m not in clinic, nor considering a meal. I am squarely experiencing the plight of the ‘sandwich generation.’ According to the Pew Research Center, nearly one-quarter of adults are part of this sandwich generation – adults with parents 65 or older and also raising a child under the age of 18 (or supporting an adult child). Americans older than 40 (I am now squarely part of this decade) are the most likely to be sandwiched; 54% are living the sandwich life, compared to 36% of people in their 50s and 27% in their 30s. The ‘sandwich effect’ doesn’t discriminate – men and women of all racial and ethnic identifies are susceptible to the its effects.
On a good day, it’s a well-orchestrated dance – coordinating daycare drop offs with my physician husband, skillfully scheduling my OR days to be home before bedtime to be a ‘present’ parent and spouse, and finding time to check in with the parental units – looking up their most recent labs or navigating a hospital admission from afar. On a day like today, I truly feel like the panini – squeezed from both sides, my insides bubbling and threatening to explode. “Thank god for therapy,” I think, as I take some deep breaths and harness the skills my incredible therapist has equipped me with over the years. Despite my good fortune (and willingness) to access therapy, SSRIs, and a spouse and friends who are excellent listeners (many of whom may be reading this!), this role is hard. And completely underrecognized. I feel like one of those Stretch-Armstrongs that no one ever played with as a kid—pulled in too many directions and having trouble returning to my normal state of being. Guilt at not being able to drop everything to travel when a sick parent needs more support. Guilt for doing something that fills my cup. Guilt that I’m not doing enough as parent, spouse, or surgeon. The list goes on. If there was a merit badge for guilt, I would have earned it years ago.
As a society and as a profession, we need to recognize that the sandwich generation exists – particularly for us as physicians who may have delayed childbearing for training, now with older parents who are accruing medical ailments and may need more support. Where do we go after acknowledgement? Honestly, I have no idea. I’m too stuck in sandwich mode to see any path forward at the moment. I suppose I’m writing this to validate all of those sandwich parents out there. I see you. You aren’t alone. And it is hard. Maybe one day we can sit down together, take a breath, and enjoy a meal uninterrupted. I’d like that.
Brittany Davidson, MD, is a gynecologic oncologist at Duke University in Durham, NC, and Vice Chair of the SGO Wellness Committee.
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