Priya P. Sabu, MD, MS
In a world where everything seems to move so quickly, and each day the life we have created for ourselves demands us to constantly re-adjust, change, and adapt, there is a dire need for something solid, and reliable to hold onto. The journey of medicine takes a significant personal, emotional, and physical sacrifice. We find ourselves ten to fifteen years later trying to remember who we were as a person, reminiscing about old friends, and for some regretting the moments we missed out on. We define ourselves by our line of work, our job performance, the number of accolades we have accumulated. Have we stopped to ask ourselves, what are we ultimately chasing?
It was a winter day during my second year in residency, we had finished the last case of the day late in the evening when I noticed I had ten missed calls from home. It had been a long day. I did not have the emotional strength in me to face what might come. Grudgingly I called home to learn my mother’s biopsy results were positive for breast cancer and they needed me. A flood of anxiety overwhelmed me, I was worried about who would cover for the service or the weekend shifts. The stress of not being at work, putting in the time and effort, and staying in the operating room might negatively affect my performance and reviews. I wanted to stay strong, believe that I was okay and just keep everything to myself for some time. I was unaware that I had completely shut down. I was not communicating with my team members, unpleasant with the students and not performing well on the floor or in the operating room.
A few weeks went by like this, until my co-residents sat me down in our call room to talk. It was then that I realized that I was not okay, and I needed support and help. In retrospect, I think I was too embarrassed to admit it or ask for help. My emotions were masked by anger. I was angry at myself for sacrificing family time, for not living my life, missing concerts, weddings, and friendships. All these years I was just preparing to live; medical school, residency and working towards fellowship. But truthfully, I had never lived a single moment in all those years. I was existing while life was just passing me by.
While going through the cancer treatments for my mother, I embarked on a quest to discover meaning, purpose and peace in my life. I began by taking out three minutes every night to clear my mind, breathe and just be. It was quite challenging. There was a constant noise of thoughts inside. I came across the teachings of Guru Nanak Dev ji from Sikhism who upheld three basic principles of living: Meditate on God’s name, Give to those in need, and Live honestly.
During meditation, I found my faith covered in dust and buried underneath stress, anxiety, isolation, and insecurities. That reliable, most powerful entity to hold onto was right here in the present moment, the light within me and every living thing.
The future is never going to arrive. There is no resting spot, but ironically, we are all searching for time, a moment where things will slow down, and we will catch a break from the cycle. From time to time, I continue to struggle with the demands of my day-to-day life. When that happens, I always remind myself of my faith — my stability.
What grounds you?
Priya P. Sabu, MD, MS, is a Gynecology Oncology Fellow at the University of Kansas Medical Center in Kansas City, KS.