SGO Wellness Blog: The Elusive Work/Life Balance as a Parent—Is it Even Possible? | Hui Amy Chen, MD

It’s Friday evening. I’m trying to wrap up clinic and clear out my Epic InBasket before rushing home. Tomorrow, I will be traveling cross-country with my daughters (aged two and seven) to visit my family – for the first time since the pandemic.

And we have not packed yet.

After finally boarding the plane the following day, I find myself sandwiched between my girls. I spend the majority of the six-hour flight toggling between keeping a seven-year-old engaged and managing a two-year-old whose only goal is to run up and down the aisle. Four hours in, both have finally settled down for a nap, heads snuggled onto my shared lap. I let out a content, albeit slightly uncomfortable, sigh and reflect on these moments of chaos and peace; I would not have it another way. It’s only recently in my medical career I’ve been finding some semblance of balance in my roles of being a parent and a doctor.

I feel like I have wanted to be a doctor since I was very young. Our second-grade class project was to describe and illustrate how to do something (bake an apple pie, ride a bike, etc.). I chose “How to… become a doctor.” On my poster board, I had illustrated: four years of college, four years of medical school, four years of residency – all with increasing lengths of white coats. As a second grader, I had not yet foreseen the extra three years of Gyn Onc fellowship.

I have also always known that I wanted to be a parent and I knew that there would not be a “perfect” time to have children in a medical career. What I didn’t anticipate was the personal and emotional challenges of being a parent in medicine.

My older daughter was four months old when I moved cross-country to begin my fellowship. My partner had one more year of residency to complete on the other coast. Fellowship felt like a constant battle of “not having enough time.” The time I spent in the hospital felt like time I was depriving from my daughter. The time I spent with her meant I may not be reading or doing extra cases on the weekends. By the end of my first year, I wanted a do-over.

I remember an esteemed faculty member mentioned off-handedly as I was struggling to manage my lab experiments and a sick toddler at home, “You can’t be good at both, you know.” I didn’t respond and continued my work. Resigned and saddened by this statement, I continued to ponder it. Why couldn’t I be good at both? If both were something I had aspired to in my life, why did I have to choose?

Since graduating from fellowship and settling into an academic practice, I have realized that I can balance parenting and being a physician – but it’s not the type of balance I had initially envisioned.

I know I will never be the “room mom.” I may not be able to volunteer during class or coach a sports team, but I will be there for the holiday shows, the games, and the “Muffins with Moms” fundraisers. With advanced notice and planning, I am there for the important moments. Whether I am with my patients, my colleagues, or my family, I try to be fully present. When I am with my patients, I give them my undivided attention. I listen actively and address their concerns timely. Similarly, when I am home, my family is my focus. I’ve stopped constantly multi-tasking, because then I’m not 100 percent for anyone. I also set boundaries for myself to allow myself to be away when I am away. I am grateful to have an amazing team of colleagues and staff. I know that when I am away on this trip, my patients will be in good hands. I strive to give myself the permission to not lurk in EMR while I am on vacation.

I have also been fortunate to have an amazingly supportive partner. Although he is a physician as well, we have adjusted our schedules to work around childcare. However, sometimes that’s not enough. What do you do when your kid has an ear infection and your regular babysitter has also called out sick and both parents have a full busy clinical day? I’ve learned to ask for help. Sometimes my case managers and staff will help me change patients to be telehealth visits and reschedule those that can be rescheduled. Sometimes my colleagues will see critical patients or even do a case. Sometimes, a neighbor or friend will watch my girls for a few hours. It really takes a village to raise a child. With our immediate family 3000 miles away, we’ve had to forge our own little village in our local community.

Finally, I have realized that taking care of myself means taking better care of those around me. Making time to exercise boosts my energy and mood, making me a more patient and compassionate doctor and parent. And when things are too chaotic, whether at work or with the kids, I give myself permission to take some “me” time to decompress. Even taking five minutes allows me to re-evaluate the situation with more calm and maybe approach it with a new strategy.

My daughter randomly wrote on the stationary on my desk: “You are the best mom ever that I ever had. Love, Elizabeth” I smile and am touched by her words. I reflect on an op-ed I had once read when she was still an infant and I was struggling to be a parent and a fellow. Dr. Janet Gilsdorf, part of two physician-parent partnership in a neighborhood where she was the only working mother, asked her son about his experience with her as his mother. His response: “You were the only one I had. I didn’t know anything else.”1 Stumbling upon this article at that point in my life helped me gain some perspective and shed some of my “mom guilt.” My children’s experiences are based on the environment that I create and role model for them. I have had let go of my own prejudices and comparisons of what a “good parent” entails. Elizabeth is right, I am the best mom she’s ever had. I try to make our time together memorable and special. Although I cannot be there during every moment of her and her sister’s lives, I try to make them feel important when I am.

Ultimately, the life of a gynecologic oncologist and a parent is not a really balance, it’s a juggle. It’s not easy, and some days are harder than others. It is about prioritizing and being present for the different parts of life as they ebb and flow. I haven’t figure it all out and am still a work in progress, but I know I can be good at both being a parent and a physician.

Hui Amy Chen, MD, is a Gynecologic Oncologist at UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento, CA.

References:

1. Gilsdorf JR. The Good-Enough Parent. JAMA. 2016;316(20):2089.

Additional Resources:

1. Nguyen V, Jaqua E, Simor L, Norris J. Tips for Balancing Parent and Medicine. Fam Prac Manag. 2021;28(5):40.